Yep, I Have A Journal...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
It's been a long time since I posted here. Here's my life update- I'm still in Atlanta and the time away from home has proven to be really healing and good for me. I've figured alot of things out, I have been working recovery(I've been sober for almost 2 yrs!) Working with a therapist, I am in a really decent relationship for a change, I've decided to leave construction behind for now and an gonna be going back to college for occupational therapy in the Fall.
And The BIG news is that I have decided to Transition form FtM. I am sorry if I couldn't tell everyone here in person but it wasn't possible. I am very happy and excited to begin. I came out to my family over Thanksgiving, filed for legal name change, and have my bloodwork appointment this Thursday!
I've been going through this decision process for some years and have given it much research and consideration and I'm content with my decision.
Merry Christmas Everyone! And many Blessings in the coming year!
Monday, December 8, 2008
8:52PM - I'm a Nomad!
Greetings Friends! I did it! I gave up my apartment and most of my belongings and so my walk-about has officially begun! I will be staying with friends and family through Christmas and then I'll be moving down to Atlanta where I will prepare for the Big Backpacking Trip in the Spring. (and will have lots of fun with some great people too!) My life will be on my back first hiking the AT and then treking throughout the rest of this great country. I won't put any pressure on myself so I will say that I don't know how long I will be or if home will become some place else. I am literally going to LET GO and LET GOD/GODDESS! I will begin a trip journal that you all will get the addy and access to so I'll post that info later. And it begins...
Monday, April 10, 2006
I drove 2000 thousand miles in 2 days...Colorado to Boston. My HOME! My Boston...I helped build it and I know it back and forth. It is 3:30 in the morning and I am elated with joy, a sense of relief and of peace. I have never been so far away from home nor for so long. The past three months have been great but also hard. I went out to give My Love , our love a fighting chance. We had many ups and downs, many tears, many laughs, we pushed eachother to places and in places I didn't think was possible. I love her so much and I know now that I am ready to give in. I don't need my defenses up any more. I hope to see us grow and grow old together.
I came home with mixed feelings. I wish I could have split myself into two. I also came home for a tragic reason...my brother's wife of only a year passed away suddenly Friday...she was about my age. I loved her and I love my brother and I loved the way they loved eachother. They are an example for me. An inspiration and a source of comfort.
I also came home with many new resolves. And they went into effect as soon as I saw the MA sign.
I now know that I am NOT a prisoner of my life...I am not afraid of(anxiety striken) it as I have been before coming home. I felt a wonderful feeling of rightness, of peace, of balance.
I realize that it is MINE, I have created it and I am proud to say it is MY LIFE. I know now that anything I can dream IS a possibility, that my dreams can and will change and that any of them can be made a reality.
Life ain't always beautiful but it is a beautiful ride. I am ready to see my own truth, to deal with my shit head on, to be the person that has felt trapped inside fearful. I am ready to be good to me and give myself all the love that everyone else does. Alot of times I think, yeah, I've had a pretty hard road but anything that hurt, got hurt 3 times worse because of the hate and blame that I give to myself.
This is my ride and I am driving. I want to love the way I see the drive. I want to train my mind to love and see the things that I do instead of what people want or expect you to see. My reality. My truth. My creation.
I want to be aware, alert, connected, open -hearted to the world knowing that all of it is me. One living organism...I am not alone or apart. I want to be conscious and recognize that humans are inherently kind and I can extend loving-kindness to everyone. I can take me out of it. People act the way they do for a reason and it usually dosen't have much to do with you. Compassion. People also seem to treat you the way you want to be treated by the way you present yourself.
I have found alot of truth in Buddhist teachings and in Quantum Physics. I plan to submerge myself in the study of meditation. TRAIN THE MIND. In essence, I am really going to make some enormous changes...I feel ready for a transformation. Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually.
I think of Janet and I think of how she could have been or done anything she wanted to. She only needed to grasp it.... yet, she made her decisions and now she is gone and has left behind a ghost town in those who loved her. I am sad for this and for my brother, Joe.
I am thank grateful for the light she brought to my life. Those moment are infinitely precious. Life ain't always beautiful but it IS a beautiful ride.
May Janet Connelly Rizzitiello rest in peace.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
To my friends:
Esp.( Jeff, Liz, Donna, Sherry, Mel, Honey and Alex)
You are all people that I have felt a strong connection; that have nourished me...and I want you all to know that I haven't forgot any of you. I am sorry if I have been neglectful in maintaining my friendships and following through. I will try harder. I get so caught up in bullshit that I loose sight of what is really important. I hope you all are well and I hope this new year brings you all the happiness you can hold. I will post in this journal soon...so much has happened; great stuff...great changes, large steps....I don't know where to begin.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
My first motorcycle run went great!! I just got back. Whatta high!
I started out slow to get the feel of it. Just around the back streets near my house...then into a parking lot...made sure I could stop short, swerve, ect. Had some mechanical problems earlier 'cause I tried jumping the battery with my truck since they are both 12V...well guess the amperage is too much 'cause I blew a couple of fuses. I also had a mishap when I first got it 'cause I was over-anxious, so ended up dropping it, I am o.k.-minus somes scraps and pride but the bike has a little damage. I expected that would happen. Good thing I didn't get the 9,000 dollar Ducati, eh? Well, anyway, I finally got a good set of tools at Sears yesterday so I spent this morning fixing the bike...the Battery, fuses, shifter('cause the bracket bent and didn't have enough leverage to shift)
So, when I took it out I also ended up pop starting it after I ate lunch 'cause I don't think the battery fully charged. Gave me the excuse to venture out further 'cause it needed a good run to charge the battery. Went around the industrial park and got real comfortable, so I went on the X-way down to Dedham, the VFW Parkway, through JP, Milton, Mattapan, the Bluehills and then home. That bike has balls alright. I def. got a range of riding climates today and along with the mechanical shit I learned about my bike, I'd have to say I got 101 down. The begininng of a great relationship...
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
This weekend I also did the riding course...went well...told me alot of stuff I already knew but it was good to get it vocalized. So, got the liscense adn now to register the bike. Gonna start off easy with her...yes, I realize that the bike I got is rather big to start out with...I'll take it slow at first(out on Sunday and shit) I like being thrown into the fire...did ya expect less of me?
I am goin' to the Cape for a tourney this weekend...and with someone I used to date along time ago and it didn't work out, rather, she dumped me for someone else and not in the nicest way...I was in love with her and she crushed me. I ran into her a few months ago and we had dinner and talked and she/we are very different now. Our meeting was actually really wonderful. We have been playing phone tag since then...the other day she caught me. She was intersted about rugby so I invited her along. I still care for her, so I am gonna try to be friends with her. 5 years have passed...this should be interesting...if she don't change her mind. Nope. Ain't gonna venture no wheres near that, Jed.
So, again I find that she was the one that was missing on graduation night...I wanted her there so very much like many expirences...I find myself wishing she were there to share them with. Dreams...ahh..yes, I have many dreams but I suppose some dreams can only stay dreams...I wish my heart would find the will to give up hope but it hopes and holds on still. Love is a powerful force. As long as she is happy, I can rest. I think she thinks that she has lost me. Well, that is not true. I am near. It's just that I have no control over how I feel for her; so it's better that I stay out of the way. Time and change.... time and change.
Monday, July 18, 2005
I am a graduate...at long last. The one's that know me most, know how arduous this has been and how much sacrifice I have made. No more Tues./ Thurs./Sat. No more report card signing....evaluations. No more being talked down too. No more walking on eggshells, not being able to be who I am for fear of them finding a reason to dismiss me. I can be me, everything is on merit 'cause they all well know that I deserve and have earned my place. I am a member for as long as I wish.
And, Man, did I turn some heads and get a whole lot of glares/stares on graduation night...I looked like the dyke that I am [I looked pretty sharp if ya ask me;)]....and they all clapped when I got up. It was actually a much louder applause than I expected. Instructors and peps who gave me a hard time and didn't think I'd make it, came up, shook my hand congratulating me. Victory is SWEET!!!
I am still in disbelief. The journey ahead will also be challenging. Just goes to show that if you have a dream...never give up or give in. ANYTHING WORTH IT IS WORTH WORKING FOR AND FIGHTING FOR. Succumbing to fear is not an option, you only cheat yourself in the end.
Now, if I leave at some point, it is because I chose to and not because they ran me out. That feels really fucking good.
I will NEVER treat my apprentice like they treated me.
Thursday, July 7, 2005
I had a kinda shitty day today....crap at work that I took too personally and having a hard time letting it go...alot of small shit that shouldn't have got me down but did and I am pissed at myself for it. Then, the dentist....oh, how do I HATE the dentist!
Other than that, I have god news that I meant to post before....
Passed my CCO! I am good to go.
Picked my motorcycle up....What a beauty...and she fits like a glove.
Sunday, July 3, 2005
Wow! I didn't know that the Bluehills had so many great trails. Just came back from mountain biking...some of the trails were actually challenging but, hey, I think I went past where I was supposed to:)
Then went for a dip at the pond... Man, wouldn't it be awesome if I could buy land and/or a house there...so close to the city but parts of it make you feel secluded. Too bad it's way out of the price range.
I installed a ball hitch and wired my truck for trailer use. I am ready to pick up the bike! Probably Tuesday provided I can rent the trailer Monday night. The thing looks so damn much like a Harley it's unbelievable that I paid so little for it...now for the sound....probably will with the drag pipes if not, I'll fix that! Yep, by the time I am done with it, it'll be difficult to tell the difference...Customize, Customize!!
Now to see if I can find someone to go to dinner with.
Saturday, July 2, 2005
Well...money is in the bank. Half of my debts are paid, just need to gather up the rest and have the checks cut. I am doing great at work....I have been running quite a bit and everyone there has full confidence in me. Wish that was true of myself. I'm a getting there. It would help if I was on a good ADD medication...I would feel more confident if I didn't forget things...keys, my wallet...stupid shit...I wouldn't feel paranoid that I'll fuck up....it would also be just plain easier to focus and would make for me being less exhausted at the end of the day. I gotta wait 'till I get full insurance coverage back 'cause that shit is expensive.
I am all signed up for the basic rider course in two weeks. Got a full face helmet and gloves today. Man..I will be getting a half helmet asap 'cause that full face is fucking hot! Not to mention I look like a dyke Power Ranger. LOL! Really just doing it for the insurance break and the road test exemption. Plus, I am sure I'll get a couple of good tips and a bit of time to get comfortable before I pick up my bike.
Oh yeah..I got a bike!!! Well, not yet. I gotta pick it up. I decided against the Ducati for now as much as I love it. The 9,000 bucks and the possible lack of comfort on long trips influenced my decision. Need to be sensible about shit.
So, I got a 2000 suzuki marauder with 6,500 miles for 3,200 bucks! Flawless condition. It's got tons of crome, highway, pegs, drag pipes and the carbs jetted. Nice!!! I will need to get the handle bars pulled back. Legs are fine. It is cobalt blue and black.
Mot doing much of anything this weekend...Just gonna let it fall. That's a good thing. I will probably go mountain biking and up to Salem to watch the fire works with my brother, Janet, maybe Lindsay, and hopefully I'll get to catch Jeff.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Had a good weekend. Friday night i finally got to see my niece. She is so small and very cute. My brother was a sloppy mess over her...he loves that little girl. He is happy and I am glad for him and I am glad that we are beginning to become close again and that he is including me so much in his life. It is def taking some gettin' used to thinking of him as a family man...and so soon...but i know that is what he has always wanted. It's ironic...we used to argue about the differences in our approaches to life...he has always been the one to be content where he is and in his own simple world...I, however, have always been a dreamer, strived for more...thirst for the truth or an ideal, belief or philosophy that I had....he would criticize me for it. Now we are both switching directions and paths...he now is looking ahead and planning and I am simply trying to be happy with now. I am happy with now today...I have a lot of blessings and alot of people who love me...wasn't always that way...I was alone for most of my life; even if they were there, they weren't available and neither was I. It feels good.
Yesterday and today I spent in the White Mountains at Loon. I had alot of fun and met some great people. I went horseback riding this morning. It made my day. We went on a 2 hr. trail ride and we cantered quite a bit. I love running them. They are magnificent creatures. I used to ride when I was little and I took care of the horses in summer camp. I forgot how much I enjoy it. It feels natural to me to be on a horse. Must be past life regression.
I went on the rock climbing wall, mountain biking and up to the top to poke around and hang out. Ya know, as much as I love going out places by myself, I do sometimes miss having someone to share my experiences with, to make memories with...I should try to plan better....I often do these things spontaneously and don't give peps a chance to come 'cause of short notice. Def have moments of feeling lonely.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Well...That's all folks. I am done! Done! Done! Very grueling exam...I was jacked up on caffine and I still found it mentally exhausting...6 hrs back to back.
So now WTF am I gonna do with the rest of my life?:) I am free and I don't owe anyone a damn thing. I really did it. Ya know, I heard a good line on the radio today...."if you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans" I will make plans from now on but know that I'll let the wind take me where she will.
In the years to come, I wonder how/what I'll think of this part of my life. It is a time when white light began to shine through a heart so full of darkness....thanks to so many...thanks to the Gods...and thanks to both my grandmother's who have watched over me from beyond....I made it through.
I will mark this time with a tattoo. The definate end of a chapter.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Lost three pds. this week. Running is hell!
The big exam is tommorrow at 7am. Here goes nothin'!!
Taking the fast track at work. I am digging! I have learned quickly. Good thing 'cause I want that pay raise.
I have a niece!! She is a premi. I hope that she makes it. I am gonna love this.
I gotta go for a run. Clear my head. Get ready for the big day. Play my guitar for a bit.
I am claming down. I enjoy life more. It is interesting...ya don't know where you are gonna go or what you'll be. Certainly didn't ever think I'd be a crane operator. Or bwe a responsible member of society..have a house, career. Def. didn't think I could make it this far in this world. Thought the translation would be too hard. Living in terms of matter vs. energy...to balance both 'cause I am both right now..to live within theses lines have been a challenge. To be in the world but not of it....being of what really dosen't exist as we see it. If only my words were better. Another physical manifestation of the unseen...our thoughts/feelings as electricity. I get lost in the translation. Always have. Figures I had to pick a career that is the total submersion of the tangable. Don't I always choose the high road:)...always what seems to be the most out of my reach.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
7:21PM - Good shit!
At Work: I am kicking ass and making my way into journeymanship...slowly but surely.
CCO exam...this weekend. Six hrs of hell in the classroom and then....I am done with this chapter of my life...I will be graduating. July 18th to be exact.
The lawsuit is settled. I will have money to buy the property I want. It's a good start and I will proceed with caution.
Def. will be getting a motorcycle.
I am back at Rugby. Love it! I do have to run more and will be in good condition by the end of the summer. Look out!
Monday, May 30, 2005
That was the fucking balls! The glider had wheels on it and we were hooked up to a small plane- we took off like an airplane. When we got up to about 3000 ft., we cut the cord. I'll admit that was a little scary at first. There were dark clouds and rain next to us so we got up even higher 'cause of the warm air rising and mixing with the cooler air made pockets that lifted us up. We were birds! Got to steer a little...it was cool 'cause if ya do nothing the glider pretty much flys itself. I was told you can fly up to 10,000 ft. on a good clear day....jumping off mountain cliffs and shit. I'm sold! I am gonna go back for flying lessons and become a glider pilot. The people I hung out with were really cool too. Was like a little family. I ended up spending the night, hanging out and drinking beers by the bonfire getting to know everyone. The only issue is time and it is also an expensive sport to get started on. Rugby will be every other week during the summer, so maybe I can spend the other or part of the other weekends there. I'll work it out.
Gonna see if i can begin boxing again on the other week nights. I hope my shoulder is strong enough. Yeah. Yeah. Alot going on. But yeah, if I ain't busy I'll get myself into trouble :)
What else...we are getting reaalt close to settling this case. I think it'll only be a couple of weeks. The only one nice thing I wanted for myself is a motorcycle. I got to check out the Ducati I was interested in this past week. It's sweet! I knew when I got on it that it was the right one. I checked other in the last month and wasn't feeling it. I knew it had to be that damn Ducati. So, I got my permit. Am gonna take the riding course in the next month or so and get myself a piece of shit bike to learn on...maybe a dirt bike. It's harder to hurt yourself in the sand and learning in the sand gives you a good feel for how the bike acts...esp. braking.
Oh, yeah. I am still gonna try to get the meditation class in one day a week. Perhaps next Feb. I'll start the college classes.
Well, gonna get ready for work for the week. And then probably go see Star Wars. I saw alot of people and friends this weekend and that makes me feel loved but I admit I do miss having a girl. It's been so long since I feel like I've had one that loved me and wanted me. But alas, it's no. I 've got alot of healing to do from lot of different things before I can give....and give in a way that is healthy and good. I thirst for it. I won't give in. Honestly, right now I feel like I never want to love someone that much again...Don't want it to turn out the same way.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
I am going hang gliding tommorrow! Ain't that the balls! I'm nervous but excited. I am gonna stay up there and go hiking too. Man, do I NEED this weekend. The next month I am straight out but July is all mine!
Thursday, May 19, 2005
I got a 90% on my final! Couldn't believe it. I am doing makeups this week and had to take the time off causing me to loose out on wages. Figures that the tranny in my truck needs fixing to the tune of 900 bucks. That's wiped me out so I won't be able to climb Mt. Washington on Memorial day weekend. Really bummed about it. Had to miss the afternoon class today 'cause of the truck, so ad another Thurs. night on. Ahh! I am sick of this place. Still have the CCO to pass and graduation is on July 18th. WTF am I going to wear? It is Semi-formal and I'll be damned if I'm gonna wear women's clothes or a dress to the event!
After the final, I went to have a couple...man, did I deserve it. Peps convinced me get up for Karoke. Was pretty funny 'cause everyone gave me a huge round of applause and told me I was awesome. Go figure. Guess I can sing. That gives me alot of options musically, if I can get over the stage fright.
I think I am gonna take a Zen meditation class. I need to go to therapy and I am not certain talk therapy will do me much good. I think I could really benefit from a Buddist approach. Teh last few weeks I have gotton alot of messages in that vain. Stuff that has been said to me or around me: Act. Don't react. Freedom is in the moment...how you choose to accept the moment is the only control you have over your life. Make the best out of today...plan well for tommorrow. The concept of Darma; Doing the right thing at the right time for the right reasons for the good of all. Anything worth having is worth working for.
I am so filled with anxiety alot of the time. I think learning to not be afraid of failure, mistakes , letting things happen as they come and being o.k. with it and with me when these things happen. Meditation would bring me much more serenity. Again, back to this years theme...not sure how well I am doing overall but I am getting better. Lately, though, I've been terrible 'cause of all that's going on- been much more of a control, OCD friek.
So, we aren't speaking, again. I think it's for a long time now. I think it's just too hard to be friends. I could call but I am not sure she'd answer. Darma...I think this is for the best and I know she thinks that. She's always been better at that and at living for the moment. These are the virtues she enriched my life with. Wish I handled things much differently. I reacted and didn't act righteously or unselfishly. I don't begrudge her. I love her. There are certain people that I will always love. That make a huge impact, inspiring a positive change. I do miss her. Someday, I will run into her and it will be different. The Karma will get righted.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
6:46PM - The Final
Tommorrow night is the final. I am getting nervous already. The past five years of my life boil down to the 50 questions I will be answering 24 hours from now. Pass or fail. Do or die. Almost time to shine. Tick tock tick tock....
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
Monday, May 2, 2005
Few more weeks left! 3 exams, a week worth of makeups, and a CPR/1st Aid re-cert and I am outta there! Not out of the woods yet....Test tommorrow, review and final on May 12th....and the killer, The National Crane Certification(CCO) on June 18th- a six hr. written exam along with a practical skills test on the equipment, ugh. All of this I need to pass or I flunt the year and the program meaning the last five years will have been a waste. How's that for pressure.
Two years today and she is still on my mind. I don't like to regret...things happen as they are meant to be. Still, I can't help wondering how different things would be today if I didn't kiss her....if I let her go home that night. She will probably think I am psychotic for remembering and I doubt she thought of me today...can't help it. She really did steal my heart...and in a way she will never know. (I can't show it to her-not the way it really is) I continue to move on and it continues to get better just a little day by day. Ain't that the best I can do?
I seem to have a little flirtation going with someone else I have be involved with in the past and has since become one of my dearest friends. My God... She is smokin'! Always has been. Damn, I miss being physically intimate with her.
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